The Anger Has Finally Hit

I’m still debating which is worse… the anger or the hurt. I suppose it depends on for who. The anger is better for me.. not so much for husband. I was told once the anger hit I should embrace it (just for now) because it will help pull me out of my misery and propel me forward. It’s still new so I don’t know about all that. I more just feel like breaking shit.

There were numerous triggers over the last week… situations and reflections. It was like a switch. I went from misery to full on pissed off at a hulk smash level.

So my mind had been spinning and I needed to get my thoughts out. I was thinking what I would like to say to husband at our last court hearing for divorce. I decided I wanted him to hear what I had to say. So I want ask the judge to let me read it to him or in his chambers. Why I don’t know. Maybe closure? To make known what I’ve been through? To be heard? To have the chance to speak out and say this happened?  At any rate I wrote the letter. If I’ll still feel the same way… time will tell. If I still will want to read it then… again time will tell. But as of now that’s what I want. I’ll paste it at the end of my post.

My reflecting entailed me having these thoughts/feeling… I’m pissed off at how he ended things. That I was bitch slapped with an in person Dear John letter and sucker punched with a Tsunami Divorce (google it). I’m so pissed off at what he’s doing to the boys. I’m so pissed off that his parents are hurting. I’m so pissed off that he couldn’t show up for his dad’s 60th BIRTHDAY!!! That is huge… a huge milestone!!! I just think.. what if something happens to his parent… or his siblings… or the boys… even if they just break an arm and have to go to the hospital… will he then “care”… is it fair he could just pick up and decide he wants to “just” be there when something goes wrong… does he then get to “feel” or “hurt”?!?!? It gives me a huge HOW DARE YOU and/or DON’T YOU DARE… try to come back after turning your back on everyone.

Here’s the situation that just added fuel to the fire. It stems around my sisters ex boyfriend. She was with a while and they continued to stay friends after they spilt. I really really liked him. The boyfriends dad was a really loved and lively person. He helped then in a lot of ways… he’s just nice and caring… big family guy. He lives on his own. He had a stroke on Tuesday and wasn’t found until Thursday. He sat in his pee and poop in his chair till he was found. They checked him out at the hospital. He was alert but dehydrated. His left side was paralyzed.  Something happened Thursday over night. He was going down hill… didn’t remember who his kids were but remembered his siblings. Friday they had to put him on a vent. Saturday they said he had a 20% chance and wanted to get him off the vent to see if he could breath. They were going to wait a few days and then try in. Sunday me and my sister went grocery shopping. On the way back I got a text and I had her check it. She just turned white and got quiet… I started yelling at her asking what was wrong what did it say. It said “Thank you, sorry I wasn’t ignoring you, I just was super busy last night. I found out today that my dad isn’t gonna make it. So I definitely might take you up on that offer. Talking is the best thing especially for me right now. I just need to process all of this still”

I was heartbroken (for his family and the unfairness). I cried. It’s so unfair. He’s such a good guy. His family is good people. They would kill to have had their dad recover. The dad ended up having another stroke and was just being kept alive on life support now long enough for all his family and friends to get to say goodbye. It is so messed up. He is so loved. Good family man. Giving. And you have shitty people that keep on going in life and shit on other people and shit on everything in life. That poor man is dying. That family is in pieces. And you have people like HUSBAND who throw it all away. He now  cherishes nothing. He now values nothing. He has it all and doesn’t want it… then you have people who want it all and it’s TAKEN from them. People would kill to have what HUSBAND is throwing away. It’s not fair… There are people out there mourning because they lost what he had… that he threw away.

 

So yes the anger has officially hit.

Here is my letter…

You showed me your character. For 16 years you went from being loyal, honorable, dependable, respecting, and having integrity to turning into a narcissist (all about you… just you… what makes you happy regardless of the fall out or how it affects others.. it’s  selfishness). You’ve determined that you didn’t want this life. That this life wasn’t enough.That you were destined for greater things and your “suffering” was unjust… so mine and the kids suffering is irrelevant… or anyone elses… because it’s all about you… how you “feel” and what solely makes you euphorically happy… just so you know that is temporary. Relationships don’t stay in that state forever. Not when day to day reality sets in. Everything would be different if you ended things honorably/respectfully.

You committed the ultimate betrayal in life. It’s the most traumatic thing next to losing a child. Nothing is worse. You flushed our marriage vows down the drain (along with your integrity).. lied… and failed at boundaries, respect, and impulse control. After the fact you turned into a coward and abandoned not only me but our kids (even the rest of your friends and family). Showed no remorse or empathy. You thought and think nothing but of your self. You didn’t (or don’t want to) consider how your selfish decisions/actions would harm us emotionally, mentally, or physically. You endangered and threatened not only my health but my life. Why do you think I was almost committed? I’ll give you a hint… it wasn’t because I was dehydrated. I was almost committed… NOT admitted.When you were in transit to MT… My cousin came to my rescue. My cousin who is one of the strongest people I know… was probably close to traumatized finding me in the condition I was in… finding me broken and shattered on the bathroom floor in the fetal position rocking for god knows how long. The boys saw that and I had no control over it because I wasn’t in my right mind. Your mom knew I was in bad shape and called to make sure I fed the boys dinner (looking back that’s pretty messed up to have to check to make sure children were fed.)… I just managed it, but barely. She talked me through my very first anxiety attack… can you guess why I had one?… me not being in my right mind realized I was stewing up a little plan to end my misery and your mom just happened to call at the right time.  The ripple extent of the fall out is yet to be seen with the boys but by the way things are already going… it potentially doesn’t look good. You’ve created wounds that will NEVER. EVER. heal… they are worse than physical wounds… I would gladly take bullets or stab wounds any day over this (those heal or you DIE)… there isn’t enough time and therapy in this lifetime to fix the emotional damage I now have. I guarantee I’m damaged 10 times over what you are or ever will be, Do you think I’ll ever trust or depend on anyone again? I can tell you now… even my most beloved family that has been there when you weren’t… I watch them… I now wait for them to break my trust or feeling that I can depend on them… I feel it will happen I just don’t know when or why. It’s like a paranoia… equivalent to having to constantly look over your shoulder. It is so unfair to them.. but I can’t help. Now I just wait for people to let me down. Everyone I see I question if they have an alternator motive. “why are they talking to me” “what do they want from me”

Marriage vows… you promised to love, honor, and cherish me… in good times and bad. In good health and bad health… until death do us part. You defiled that. You defecated on that. You took all that was holy and sacred and threw gas on it and set it ablaze. You crushed my soul… not just by heart but my SOUL!… my very being. This is a traumatic event to me… it haunts me. I suffer greatly and don’t even get peace in my sleep. I’m tortured and tormented every day of my life I’m not busy or distracted because everything runs through my head like a movie projector on repeat. Do you know the misery I face listening to the radio, watching tv, seeing couples or families together anywhere, washing dishes, folding laundry, sitting in the car getting M from school, picking A and D up from school, driving in the car, going to bed at night…. I can’t even grocery shop in peace. I can’t read. I live in agony. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Just so you know… this is not a choice. I don’t want to be miserable. Things pop into my head out of nowhere. Different things trigger it. I have no control over my dreams. I try my best to distract myself to the point of mental exhaustion and avoid triggers.  It’s out of my control.I move forward in life and go through the motions day by day on auto pilot.

You try to villianize me. You try to rewrite our past. You’ve gas lighted me and blame shifted. Stop and look… tell me… WHAT. HAVE. I. DONE. TO. YOU? Nothing… exactly that. You’re pissed because you aren’t getting your way. Things aren’t going how you want or anticipated. Welcome to my world… I could give you and endless list about how unfair this is. The difference is I’ve sucked it up and do what I have to do in the position I’m forced to be in… against my will… I have no choice or say in anything… YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME!!!! You wanted this divorce.

The kids aren’t stupid… they will see who is there for them. I’ve gone out of my way, above and beyond, and done foot work for you. You have made no effort to fix your relationship with the boys. I’ve gone out of my way to try and help you with them. I even went to an old counselor. She offered to help and you didn’t take it. That is your choice. One of the hugest challenge in life is being a single mom… with no other parental support (because that is what you choose)… or any other means to help. You’ve dropped everything in my lap and haven’t thought twice. You want another life… go for it. But I’m doing what I have to do to be a mom for the boys when I’m forced into a position that wasn’t my choice and I have no say in.

I was a good wife. Your biggest supporter and admirer. I was your personal cheerleader. I’m a unique soul that can love unconditionally… good for others bad for me. Most adults can’t do that. They aren’t capable. Their feelings and behaviors are conditional. That’s not me. I’m unconditional. I love deeply with all that I am. I learned that from papa. He loved you like that too. Just like grandma.

I have loved, honored, and served you. I have sacrificed for you. I put you before all other things. I supported you. When you were sick I took care of you. When you had a head ache I massaged it away… even if it was the middle of the night. When you had a bad day I listened. When you had stomach problems I was there for you, I researched for you, I slaved in the kitchen to  try and make you foods that were good for your stomach. When you were sick or had anxiety I stayed up with you and comforted you… we spent a lot of nights on the bathroom floor (remember all those nights you thought in your heart of hearts you were dying… and we cried together? You because you were so upset and me because it crushed my soul to see you like that). I did nothing but try to make you happy in every way I could that was within my power. I did it all. You were my world. You are not god. But I put you on a pedestal in my eyes in a humanly way. Because to me you deserved to be there. I saw all your struggles/sacrifices and you still fought through to do the right thing. Like working a job you hated… being in a place you hated… several times over. You were my best friend. I stayed with you and put up with all your bullshit b/c I loved you. I was faithful to you. I stood by my vows. I meant them with the depths of my soul. You meant that much to me. The person you were then and what you stood for… what your values were….outweighed your flaws and the demons you battled. Was I always in love with you?.. NO!. But I knew that love was enough for me. I know that you aren’t always “in love” with your spouse. It goes in stages… it comes and goes. I accepted you flaws and all… even your fuckedupness… the levels of how damaged you were. I accepted you. I didn’t reject you. I’ll love you until the day I die. Even though I know you don’t deserve it… You are no longer worthy of it… but I have no control over it. I can’t help how I feel… even after knowing all that I know and how you’ve treated me and the boys and abandoned us. I stop and think… who is lucky enough to be loved like that? I know it’s special. I know very few people will ever have the chance to experience that kind of love. Again… I should hate you but I can’t… I wish I could (angry as hell.. YEP). There will never be someone else for me… you were my penguin… my other half… it wouldn’t be fair to someone else b/c they will never have my heart and I’m now too damaged and will never trust someone with myself again.  Just because you don’t want my heart anymore doesn’t mean it no longer belongs to you… I gave it to you when I said “I do” (I think you had it even before that) and I can’t take it back… or at least the old you has it. I gave my heart to MY HUSBAND. And that HUSBAND will always be mine. The respectable honorable one. The one that loved his family and put his kids first… the one that cherished family. Where ever that HUSBAND is… he has and will forever hold my heart.

To you… I wish you well.

And to MY HUSBAND. To MY kids HUSBAND. Somewhere, where ever you are in there. Know you will forever be loved and missed… by so many.

 

 

 

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The Phantom Father

“Phantom” has a few different meanings. Here are a couple that I feel apply to my situation.

1.) something apparent to sense but with no substantial existence

2.) something existing in appearance only

Now on to “Father”.

1.) a man in relation to his natural child or children

I want to make a point to say there is a difference between the word and meaning of “dad” and “father”. I feel the word father is a term that represents a biological stand point of political correctness. The word “dad” defines if that said father is a sperm donor or not. Getting to be “dad/daddy” is justified by a fathers actions. Fathers get the privilege of being called “dad/daddy” when;

1.) They are their for their child/children by guiding and supporting them through their lives.

2.) Are an active participant in their upbringing even if the father and  mother are no longer together.

3.) They are in their child/childrens life because they WANT to be.

My children use to have a dad. He turned into a phantom father though. His likes to use words with them like “I love you”, “I care about you”, and “I’ll be there for you”. And he backs them up with actions of; skipping his every other week visits, calling twice a month, working on transferring out of state,  and playing on his phone the whole time he is around them ignoring them. It’s very unfortunate that they are not babies or toddlers and they can see that his words and actions do not line up. What is even harder is the fact he was a “dad”. They remember him being a “dad”. Now, all of a sudden they see he is not and they don’t know what the hell happened. That’s left for me to say “sorry boys I don’t know what is going on with your father”… when I would really like to say “sorry boys your dad has just turned into a selfish narcissistic colossal asshole… but I do love you and will always be there for you”.

So here are some of my kids responses/behaviors the the situation and their fathers actions…

• My 11 year old now sleeps with his baby blankets (for comfort) again and comes into my bed in the middle of the night, every night.
• He came into my room one night at midnight teary and said “dad lied to me” I asked how. He responds “he said he’d always be here to protect me”.
• “Dad said when he came back to MI he’d be here with us”
• “he doesn’t love us”
• “why did he love you in MT but not here in MI?”
• All 3 have stated that they wish we would have never come to MI to be closer to family because then “dad” would still be here.
• I was informed by my 9 year old that he doesn’t want to depend on friends and doesn’t want to get married. He wants to depend on himself. I asked why he wouldn’t want to get married… it can be a wonderful thing. He says “look at you, I don’t want to end up sad and alone. You wasted your life all for nothing”. That led to a lot of tears and a LONG conversation to change that view point.
•  (Use to love you by Gwen Stefani comes on) 9 year old says…”mom who sings/wrote this” I say.. “Gwen Stefani… remember the girl from the voice” Son responds “Oh it sounds like something you should have wrote”
• “Dad cares more about his friends than us”
• (Christmas shopping for dad) me “what about this” (utility knife gift set) “no…. (I start to put it back) yes (I smile and start to put it in the cart)… that way dad can kill himself (I put it back on the shelf)”.   me “How about a coffee mug?”  Son responds… “Yeah we can get one of those personalized ones and have it say I hate you or stay away from me” (I think ok never mind). me “ok how about a card” response… “sure, then I’ll write in it I hate you, here’s a stupid card because you don’t deserve any gifts”. So… As you can see, M is very very angry and hurting.
• M also made a comment about not being enough for “dad” to stay in MI. (he plans to transfer out of state)
• He missed his dads 60th surprise birthday party. All the boys were bummed. 9 year old was all pissed of… ranted to be about why he wasn’t there he says “oh I know… he doesn’t care… I would have missed 6 days of work to be there” I just said I don’t know why he wasn’t there… I haven’t talked to him and told him he’d need to ask his dad.

 

I could give you a list that goes on and on. This short list… shows things that a father causes… not a dad/daddy.

 

 

 

Careful What You Wish For!

Wishing to make it back home was the beginning of the end.

We were a young family from Michigan in pursuit of a better life. The opportunity for a better life came in 2010 when my husband started a new career with the Border Patrol. He left in April and would attend the academy in Artesia, New Mexico. I stayed behind with three young boy and packed up the house and rented it out. He finished in September. We packed all we could bring in our vehicles and drove to Texas where he would then start his nine months of southern border training. We were in two different locations in Texas.  After nine months we drove back to Michigan and packed all we could in a Uhaul and off to Montana we went. Montana was was the location my husband was given. If you want the job you don’t get much choice in the matter. Our plan all along was to get back to Michigan or at least near it. We found out that it’s a lot harder to move around in the patrol. It’s very seniority based.

About four years in we saw light at the end of the tunnel. A golden opportunity so to speak. There was a mandate where they wanted “X” amount of Border Patrol agents to fill Customs positions. So they created a lateral transfer program. You are able to transfer from Border Patrol to Customs and you get to pick your location. There’s more movement with Customs. You have to apply for it and it’s a lengthy process. So with this “golden opportunity”… of course you’re going to seize the moment!!! We had been waiting years to get back home. Our kids forgot family. They didn’t know what it was like to have family and cousins around. Where we were in Montana was extremely rural (2 hours to stores bigger than mom and pop shops) and we grew up in the suburbs. We were use to the convenience of everything that we could need/want was within 10 minutes of us. There would be more opportunities for the kids than small town America could provide.  So we weighed and measured and decided to take the jump. From start to finish (applying and leaving for preacademy) it took just under a year. With the process it’s required that BP agents have to attend the Customs academy (FLETC) in Glynco Georgia. Customs also requires that the officers have to do a month of preacademy at the port for a month prior to going to the academy. In total he would be gone 5 months so again it was on me to man the fort.

He left in May. It was a tearful goodbye for us all. I took the boys to school and came back. We had a couple really long hugs, kisses, and tears. We shared parting and encouraging words. I reassured him not to worry that I have everything under control here. He reassured me he was only a phone call away and we’d all be in Michigan again before we knew it. He gave me another hug and kiss and started to walk away. We both had tears on our faces and I said “one more kiss”. Little did I know that would be my last one. So I will cherish that moment forever. After he left I cried a good part of the day. I went into our bedroom and found a homemade card. He drew a rose on the front and on the inside wrote some very special and meaningful words that I will keep to myself (maybe one day if/when I’m ready I’ll share).  It sent me into another crying spell. After, I cleaned up the house. When I was in the boys rooms I found that he also made each one of them cards as well with words inside that he wrote to each of them. I won’t share exactly what they said but it was along the lines of behave, he loved them and would miss them, and we’d all be together soon in Michigan.

Giving a little background, prior to him leaving we had talked for months about what we wanted in a house and what we would do and get once we were back in Michigan. He left in May and on into June we continued to do these things. We planned and dreamed our life. When he was in Michigan for preacademy he found a house and put and offer on it but it was declined. I was left in Montana to wrap everything up. The kids finished school and I continued to pack up and prepare to move. He finished preacademy and headed to Georgia the beginning of June. Through that time we talked everyday, several times a day. Then two weeks in things started to get bumpy. I’ll leave that for another post maybe. So long story short and fastforward a bit. Towards the end of August I decided to make the move back to Michigan (that’s another story in its self). Our house in Montana would be sold within a week or two. I needed to find a place to stay in the new area we were moving to because the kids needed to start school on time and the new house wouldn’t be closed on time. I stayed with family in the meantime and worked on looking for a temporary place (where we stayed and our temporary life is another story… again). So we had a bumpy road from the end of June to the end of August. I knew things were off. My husband wasn’t right. I could feel the detachment. I felt it slowly slipping away. It just got worse as time progressed. He got angry with me and snappy towards me and made me feel like I was using my mind. At the very end he just quit talking to me. I didn’t get. I didn’t understand. Maybe I’ll go into further detail about what it was like  and what I went through at another time.

So we will jump forward to October. We missed him so terribly we’re finally in our empty house because all of our things are still in Montana. I did manage to go to Art Van and got two couches and a nice kitchen table to surprise the hubby thinking it would make him happy. I had hope that whatever was going on we would be able to fix and move forward. He wouldn’t talk to me about anything “us”. Even on his way driving home to Michigan he said he didn’t know what he was going to do. I told him I was scared he was going to give me a dear John letter in person and he said no and that we would talk about everything when he got back and that he didn’t want to keep living the way things have been (gives hope right?!?!?). So the kids planned a big coming home thing. They had me get balloons, poster boards to make signs, and streamers. Their master plan also included a “welcome home” cake and to “make dad a nice dinner”. He came in and I could tell things were off. He was distant. He looked tortured and could just run away at any second. He was unloading the car and moving things into the house. We crossed paths in the hallway and he was full of tears. I asked what was wrong and he said “I don’t want to be here”. We went into the bedroom to talk. He told me how he was detached just like after the Border Patrol academy but worse. He said he felt like it was my home he was at and he still felt like Georgia was his home. I told him it would take time just like before. I reassured him that it didn’t feel like my home anymore than his (here’s the kicker…) that if anything it was more his because this was the house he picked out that he wanted that he put an offer on before he even told me about it (yeah the house that he put an offer on in May was still for sale and they accepted the second offer we placed). So he started sobbing. I he could barely get the words out but they will haunt me forever. He says through choked sobs” when I walked in the house there’s so much love in the air that I can feel it” more choked sobs “when I look at you I can see all the love you have for me in your eyes but I don’t feel the same way”. So talk about a fist to the gut. I just responded with “well you can’t help how you feel”. Really big of me to be comforting and consoling and understanding at that point huh?!?!? He suffered through dinner with the kids. I didn’t eat. A while late we had time to talk. Come to find out I did get my in person dear John letter. He said he decided on his drive home. He said his piece and I said mine. We were both in opposition of the other. He talked about how he was tired of “arguing and fighting”. I can recall arguing and fighting but nothing out of a normal relationship. I felt like a bobble head and felt like someone else was transplanted in his body. Things he said didn’t make sense. He told me that he realized he was unhappy with his life, that he planned to transfer out of state, and he wanted a divorce. I didn’t agree with anything. Said how he didn’t even give me a chance or let me know there was a problem with me. I knew nothing of these issues. I wanted to still try. I wanted a chance. I said that if we tried and things didn’t work out that I would agree to a divorce. Then he let me know that there was something else. He told me that he “met someone, that he has an emotional connection to someone else”. He swore back and forth that he didn’t cheat on me and it was not the person that I asked if it was “her”. Come to find out it was her, it was a full on affair, and had been going on for months. Crazy how things end up making sense. Now I know why he was distant. Now I know why he was snappy at me and saying things that made me doubt my own sanity.

I had an atomic bomb dropped on my life. He vanquished it. All our visions of our future went up in smoke. Everything I’ve ever known was torn away from me. We were together over half my life. 17 years together, 10 of those married, lived together for 15, and all just flushed down the drain. I lost my husband, my best friend, my life, and who my husband was. It was always us against the world. My kids lost him too. I’ve been a stay at home mom since having them. I have a degree that is so far useless here. I’ve been trying to find a job for a month and a half with no success. I’m still in survival mode trying to figure out how to make things work. I’m two hours from family/help. How to now be a single parent and work full time after I find a job. How to pick up my kids broken pieces. How to hold myself together for them. The first couple weeks for me were very dark. It was in a place I never thought I’d been and don’t ever want to go back to. I know I’m not the first and sadly won’t be the last to have a “runaway husband”. I know I’m not the first single parent. But these are new things to me and it’s things I have to sort through and come to terms with. I still can’t believe I’m going to be divorced. I still can’t believe this is now my life. It’s still surreal even now and feels like a nightmare I could wake up from. I was the poster girl for “that won’t happen to me”. Let me just say “no one is safe” let me repeat “no one is safe”. Anything can happen to anyone at any time. No one is safe or immune from anything. All I can do is take it day by day. Sometimes it’s hour by hour depending on the day. Unfortunately even if we don’t get out of bed, life still goes on 😦 I just keep trying to move forward in life. So going back full circle, I’ll take it back to the beginning and restate the title “be careful what you wish for”. My kids associate and blame the academy and leaving Montana on their world falling apart. They feel if we didn’t leave to be by family we would all still be together. If daddy didn’t go to the academy he’d still be here with us. It’s just sad and the fall out and ripple of his choices are monumental and effect so many people. I’m sure the full extent and the depths of the effect will still be showing themselves for years to come.