I’m still debating which is worse… the anger or the hurt. I suppose it depends on for who. The anger is better for me.. not so much for husband. I was told once the anger hit I should embrace it (just for now) because it will help pull me out of my misery and propel me forward. It’s still new so I don’t know about all that. I more just feel like breaking shit.
There were numerous triggers over the last week… situations and reflections. It was like a switch. I went from misery to full on pissed off at a hulk smash level.
So my mind had been spinning and I needed to get my thoughts out. I was thinking what I would like to say to husband at our last court hearing for divorce. I decided I wanted him to hear what I had to say. So I want ask the judge to let me read it to him or in his chambers. Why I don’t know. Maybe closure? To make known what I’ve been through? To be heard? To have the chance to speak out and say this happened? At any rate I wrote the letter. If I’ll still feel the same way… time will tell. If I still will want to read it then… again time will tell. But as of now that’s what I want. I’ll paste it at the end of my post.
My reflecting entailed me having these thoughts/feeling… I’m pissed off at how he ended things. That I was bitch slapped with an in person Dear John letter and sucker punched with a Tsunami Divorce (google it). I’m so pissed off at what he’s doing to the boys. I’m so pissed off that his parents are hurting. I’m so pissed off that he couldn’t show up for his dad’s 60th BIRTHDAY!!! That is huge… a huge milestone!!! I just think.. what if something happens to his parent… or his siblings… or the boys… even if they just break an arm and have to go to the hospital… will he then “care”… is it fair he could just pick up and decide he wants to “just” be there when something goes wrong… does he then get to “feel” or “hurt”?!?!? It gives me a huge HOW DARE YOU and/or DON’T YOU DARE… try to come back after turning your back on everyone.
Here’s the situation that just added fuel to the fire. It stems around my sisters ex boyfriend. She was with a while and they continued to stay friends after they spilt. I really really liked him. The boyfriends dad was a really loved and lively person. He helped then in a lot of ways… he’s just nice and caring… big family guy. He lives on his own. He had a stroke on Tuesday and wasn’t found until Thursday. He sat in his pee and poop in his chair till he was found. They checked him out at the hospital. He was alert but dehydrated. His left side was paralyzed. Something happened Thursday over night. He was going down hill… didn’t remember who his kids were but remembered his siblings. Friday they had to put him on a vent. Saturday they said he had a 20% chance and wanted to get him off the vent to see if he could breath. They were going to wait a few days and then try in. Sunday me and my sister went grocery shopping. On the way back I got a text and I had her check it. She just turned white and got quiet… I started yelling at her asking what was wrong what did it say. It said “Thank you, sorry I wasn’t ignoring you, I just was super busy last night. I found out today that my dad isn’t gonna make it. So I definitely might take you up on that offer. Talking is the best thing especially for me right now. I just need to process all of this still”
I was heartbroken (for his family and the unfairness). I cried. It’s so unfair. He’s such a good guy. His family is good people. They would kill to have had their dad recover. The dad ended up having another stroke and was just being kept alive on life support now long enough for all his family and friends to get to say goodbye. It is so messed up. He is so loved. Good family man. Giving. And you have shitty people that keep on going in life and shit on other people and shit on everything in life. That poor man is dying. That family is in pieces. And you have people like HUSBAND who throw it all away. He now cherishes nothing. He now values nothing. He has it all and doesn’t want it… then you have people who want it all and it’s TAKEN from them. People would kill to have what HUSBAND is throwing away. It’s not fair… There are people out there mourning because they lost what he had… that he threw away.
So yes the anger has officially hit.
Here is my letter…
You committed the ultimate betrayal in life. It’s the most traumatic thing next to losing a child. Nothing is worse. You flushed our marriage vows down the drain (along with your integrity).. lied… and failed at boundaries, respect, and impulse control. After the fact you turned into a coward and abandoned not only me but our kids (even the rest of your friends and family). Showed no remorse or empathy. You thought and think nothing but of your self. You didn’t (or don’t want to) consider how your selfish decisions/actions would harm us emotionally, mentally, or physically. You endangered and threatened not only my health but my life. Why do you think I was almost committed? I’ll give you a hint… it wasn’t because I was dehydrated. I was almost committed… NOT admitted.When you were in transit to MT… My cousin came to my rescue. My cousin who is one of the strongest people I know… was probably close to traumatized finding me in the condition I was in… finding me broken and shattered on the bathroom floor in the fetal position rocking for god knows how long. The boys saw that and I had no control over it because I wasn’t in my right mind. Your mom knew I was in bad shape and called to make sure I fed the boys dinner (looking back that’s pretty messed up to have to check to make sure children were fed.)… I just managed it, but barely. She talked me through my very first anxiety attack… can you guess why I had one?… me not being in my right mind realized I was stewing up a little plan to end my misery and your mom just happened to call at the right time. The ripple extent of the fall out is yet to be seen with the boys but by the way things are already going… it potentially doesn’t look good. You’ve created wounds that will NEVER. EVER. heal… they are worse than physical wounds… I would gladly take bullets or stab wounds any day over this (those heal or you DIE)… there isn’t enough time and therapy in this lifetime to fix the emotional damage I now have. I guarantee I’m damaged 10 times over what you are or ever will be, Do you think I’ll ever trust or depend on anyone again? I can tell you now… even my most beloved family that has been there when you weren’t… I watch them… I now wait for them to break my trust or feeling that I can depend on them… I feel it will happen I just don’t know when or why. It’s like a paranoia… equivalent to having to constantly look over your shoulder. It is so unfair to them.. but I can’t help. Now I just wait for people to let me down. Everyone I see I question if they have an alternator motive. “why are they talking to me” “what do they want from me”
You try to villianize me. You try to rewrite our past. You’ve gas lighted me and blame shifted. Stop and look… tell me… WHAT. HAVE. I. DONE. TO. YOU? Nothing… exactly that. You’re pissed because you aren’t getting your way. Things aren’t going how you want or anticipated. Welcome to my world… I could give you and endless list about how unfair this is. The difference is I’ve sucked it up and do what I have to do in the position I’m forced to be in… against my will… I have no choice or say in anything… YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME!!!! You wanted this divorce.
The kids aren’t stupid… they will see who is there for them. I’ve gone out of my way, above and beyond, and done foot work for you. You have made no effort to fix your relationship with the boys. I’ve gone out of my way to try and help you with them. I even went to an old counselor. She offered to help and you didn’t take it. That is your choice. One of the hugest challenge in life is being a single mom… with no other parental support (because that is what you choose)… or any other means to help. You’ve dropped everything in my lap and haven’t thought twice. You want another life… go for it. But I’m doing what I have to do to be a mom for the boys when I’m forced into a position that wasn’t my choice and I have no say in.
I have loved, honored, and served you. I have sacrificed for you. I put you before all other things. I supported you. When you were sick I took care of you. When you had a head ache I massaged it away… even if it was the middle of the night. When you had a bad day I listened. When you had stomach problems I was there for you, I researched for you, I slaved in the kitchen to try and make you foods that were good for your stomach. When you were sick or had anxiety I stayed up with you and comforted you… we spent a lot of nights on the bathroom floor (remember all those nights you thought in your heart of hearts you were dying… and we cried together? You because you were so upset and me because it crushed my soul to see you like that). I did nothing but try to make you happy in every way I could that was within my power. I did it all. You were my world. You are not god. But I put you on a pedestal in my eyes in a humanly way. Because to me you deserved to be there. I saw all your struggles/sacrifices and you still fought through to do the right thing. Like working a job you hated… being in a place you hated… several times over. You were my best friend. I stayed with you and put up with all your bullshit b/c I loved you. I was faithful to you. I stood by my vows. I meant them with the depths of my soul. You meant that much to me. The person you were then and what you stood for… what your values were….outweighed your flaws and the demons you battled. Was I always in love with you?.. NO!. But I knew that love was enough for me. I know that you aren’t always “in love” with your spouse. It goes in stages… it comes and goes. I accepted you flaws and all… even your fuckedupness… the levels of how damaged you were. I accepted you. I didn’t reject you. I’ll love you until the day I die. Even though I know you don’t deserve it… You are no longer worthy of it… but I have no control over it. I can’t help how I feel… even after knowing all that I know and how you’ve treated me and the boys and abandoned us. I stop and think… who is lucky enough to be loved like that? I know it’s special. I know very few people will ever have the chance to experience that kind of love. Again… I should hate you but I can’t… I wish I could (angry as hell.. YEP). There will never be someone else for me… you were my penguin… my other half… it wouldn’t be fair to someone else b/c they will never have my heart and I’m now too damaged and will never trust someone with myself again. Just because you don’t want my heart anymore doesn’t mean it no longer belongs to you… I gave it to you when I said “I do” (I think you had it even before that) and I can’t take it back… or at least the old you has it. I gave my heart to MY HUSBAND. And that HUSBAND will always be mine. The respectable honorable one. The one that loved his family and put his kids first… the one that cherished family. Where ever that HUSBAND is… he has and will forever hold my heart.
To you… I wish you well.
And to MY HUSBAND. To MY kids HUSBAND. Somewhere, where ever you are in there. Know you will forever be loved and missed… by so many.